Everything I know about relationships I learned in college. When one considers the fact that college is nothing like real life and that the burdens of time and distance that seem to plague my adult attempts at relationships were virtually non-existent in my college relationship experiences, then it is safe to assume that I know nothing about relationships, let alone dating.
In college things were easy, compartively. The few relationships I had were with people I saw several times a week either in classes or passing. Keeping in contact was simple a matter of attending a mid day film class or having lunch in the cafeteria. It was easy to feign a casual attitude about it all as there was very little upkeep required to maintain your presence before someone. Dating was a much less formal affair and consisted mostly of hanging out as opposed to going out. Once a relationshop was actually established, the question of your place or mine was rarely more than a few blocks difference and for lack of money or cable television if you weren’t heading out somewhere, you were probably staying in and having sex.
I find my adult dating life to be a great deal more difficult as now my dating domain has expanded to encompass a 20 mile radius (usually the second smallest search parameter on dating sites after 5 or 10) and in doing so has taken a lot of the convenience and casualness out of it. If you’re going on a date, you both know it, because you’re driving 20 minutes to get there or taking the metro in from the suburbs. You’ll never casually meet out in the world because your worlds are separated by distance. Graned, this distance isn’t insurmountable, but it makes nearly all contact seem deliberate and the last thing women my age seem to want is a guy who’s deliberately interested. Don’t fail to keep in contact though, because she’ll lose interest in a heartbeat.
When one has managed to get beyond the rigors of dating in the real world (a process that can take weeks if not months to consummate as opposed to college’s days or hours), then the logistics of the relationship begin. Having only really dealt with this for the long term in one relationship thus far, but having knowledge of what every possible failed relationship may have been since, I can say that one better be prepared to travel.
To be quite honest, I’m not even sure what a relationship looks like under my circumstances anymore. The last legthy relationship I had was with someone who was obsessed with me. I could have ignored her half the time and she would still want me around … and I drove 40 minutes each way for that. I can only imagine what a relationship would be like with someone who doesn’t want to develop a co-dependence with me. The one shorter relationship I had after moving to the DC area, worked only because the distance between us was small. Had we lived further away I doubt we would have tolerated each other as long as we did. It’s not that I can’t see how people do it, I’m willing to do it. It’s more a matter of my having to find someone willing to add these variables into the equation.
Yes, the logistics of dating are complex when one does not either work or study with the person they are dating, but people make it work. As the eternal pessimist about this subject however I wonder if anyone would be willing to endure these logistics for me. I suppose communication is key and maybe I should just learn to appreciate the telephone again. There was a time not long ago when I had virtually no problem with it … that is until I dated several people for whom Alexander Graham Bell’s crowning acheivement was practically demonized. Now I’m unsure about phones. It’s a rough medium to work in and I much prefer face to face, but thus is the post college dilemma. Not everyone communicates exclusively though AIM.
In the end, all this thought on the trials of dating in the modern world leave me exhausted and I wouldn’t even be giving it any thought except that I find myself in a situation that has become all too familiar to me over the last 2 years and I’d really like for it to work out just this once. I can’t help but find it a bit depressing though, because as I visualize my triumph I realize that it is only the beginning of another trial wherein for all the reasons above. It’s all a balancing act of life, time, and expectations and I just hope I’m better at it than I think I am.
