I swear I’m nothing if not a tragic figure and like all tragic figures I create my own misery. The last several months of work have been hell and while I love my career, I think I may have finally hit the wall at my current job. For nearly 3 years I was willing to deal with the bullshit, with the sub-standard tools, the office politics, the lack of communication, and the talent-lacking old guard constantly being put into decisions where they could make poor decisions affecting numerous people’s jobs. Last summer I said I’d give the company another year to turn itself around and over the last nine months I really thought things were, only to have an almost total reversal over the past couple of months as we gear up for something new. I don’t look forward to going to work anymore and it’s taken its toll both mentally and physically on me recently. In almost everything else I’ve done in life I’ve been able to say “well I tried and I wasn’t very good, so I’m done” but not in this. My current career is the one thing that even when it beat me down, I came crawling back. Where I’m at right now isn’t a situation where I’m doubtful about my career choice, but more a case of realizing that I’m not getting all that I should be out of my career right now.
I might have been able to hang on a bit longer, that is until I found out about at least one (perhaps 2 or 3) people I know who are thinking about leaving as well. And that got me to thinking Saturday night, which was when I more or less decided that I was going to start getting my resume in order and start looking for new jobs. The difficulty with what I do is that the jobs are so scattered around the country. You see, I’m a game developer and while there are a concentration of studios throughout California, in Texas, and Seattle, those aren’t places I’m living in right now and although I’m no stranger to moving for work, there comes a point where you want to set down roots and I’m wondering when that’s going to be for me, I’m wondering whether I’m hurting myself by leaving.
I’m fairly certain the real answer to that is that I’m not, especially given the uncertainty of the track that my current employer has chosen (in my view at least) and the fact that some of the people thinking about leaving are my few friends here, but there are other friends I’ve made here who I will be sad to leave. And while I really have never liked living in this area of the country, I’m not certain that wherever I end up will be any better. Yet I’m still considering leaving as it’s the logical choice, but due to the aforementioned penchant for tragedy, I’ve made a move that may complicate my life.
Someone got in touch with me on Ok Cupid recently and I’ve just responded to them. Now here’s the thing. There’s nothing wrong with getting involved with someone when you’re not 100% sure you’re sticking around so long as you’re honest with them before thing become too serious. I’ve been in this situation before and what it really comes down to is that you can’t put your life on hold for every little thing, because you honestly never know how it’s going to turn out. Before I moved down here I got involved with someone for a couple months before I found this job and left, but I was very honest with this person the entire time and things worked out for the best. Now in general it’s more accurate to expect that nothing is going to evolve between myself and this person who I’ve messaged, but the sheer fact that I’m thinking about leaving, coupled with my tragic persona means that this is probably going to work out this time.
The sad truth however (and the one thing I expect to remain true and un-tragic, regardless) is that I’ve never met anyone in my life who is so amazing that I would consider sacrificing my career goals and professional happiness for. When it really comes down to it, my job has more of a chance of sustaining my happiness in the long term. I don’t know, perhaps it’s my lot to walk down the tragic road, because as a matter of fact I have plenty of friends who have been stuck with similar dillemas. Maybe it’s the hallmark of the sensitive guys of my generation to seek this kind of tragedy. If anything it has something to do with all those second generation emo records we listening to in the 90’s … back when the genre was still about hardcore music with feelings and not this watered down crap they play today. But I digress. What it all comes down to is that I’m conflicted. I’m not even really in a horribly conflicting situation yet, but regardless, moving on is never easy and maybe it’s just self-sabotage that I’m putting myself in a potentially tragic relationship. Maybe this is how I deal with change. Or maybe this is just the way I’m written.
