The New Geography of Dating

I guess I’ve decided to take my first stab at dating here in Austin. At some point during the past 6 months or so I must have re-upped my Match.com profile for 3 months and then forgot about it and let it re-up again for 3 more months. While I was still in Virginia I didn’t see much point in checking it as I knew I was going to be leaving, but since I’ve still got another month to run out on it, I figured I’d give it a whirl.

I’m no stranger to Match, I’ve used it previously with mixed results. I’m incredibly picky when it comes to these things though so the people I contact are few and far between. If someone happens to contact me, either through a message or a “wink” that tends to smooth things over though. Last weekend a cute Asian girl, a few years younger than me, winked at me. Last night I decided to reply to her wink with a message. We’ll see where things go from there.

If anything, I’ve become more pragmatic when it comes to dating over the last few years. I know what I do and don’t want in a person and in a relationship. My only problem tends to be that when I find someone who meets my criteria, I don’t meet theirs. I have to admit that I’ve often chalked my lack of success to geography, or rather the type of people I met in my previous geographic location. I’m hoping that a new latitude and a city like Austin will find me people more my own speed and ideally women who meets my standards while I meet theirs.

How Not to Succeed at Love

I’m listening to Tom Waits at the moment while several windows from Match.com line the tab bar at the top of my browser. I figure if I’m going to be unsucessful romantically the very least I can do (aside from the usual self-loathing and complaining) is share my experience with the world. Maybe someone will learn something from my experience; maybe that someone will be me. In either case I’ve got nothing to do right now and Mr. Waits doesn’t seem to think it’s such a bad idea so we’ll see how this goes.

I have my Match.com searches saved into 3 categories at the moment: blondes, brunettes, and redheads. Now at first glance one might take me for a superficial womanizer, organizing search parameters that might allow him to better narrow down his flavor of the week choice of female companion. This couldn’t be further from the truth. With me it’s more about science. Anyone who’s ever done a search at Match.com or any other dating site of comparable size will understand as I do that if you live in a reasonable populated area and unless you become extremely specific, any search you make will likely come up with 100+ profiles. On the one hand this is great because dating for pragmatic indivuals such as myself, we realize that there is no such thing as true love and that for every person you’ve ever fallen madly in love with, there are likely hundreds of others who would just as easily fit the bill all over the world. On the other hand, with such a selection you really want to find the people who most match you, such as to increase your overall odds of any given dating situation resolving itself amicably. See? It’s science.

So rather than put in what ultimately ends up being a fairly standard search (mostly because these sites offer only the most generalized criteria in order to appeal to a broader audience) I like to narrow my options … by hair color. Now I acknowledge that there’s no way I can phrase that so it doesn’t sound terribly shallow, but let’s face it, we’re all attracted to certain things and for whatever reason I’m partial to redheads, followed closely by very dark brown or black hair, and then everything else. Blondes actually are my low on my list, in defiance of every stereotype ever written about modern men. Coincidentally however, the longest and most satisfying relationship of my adult life was with a blonde woman.

To give any idea of what I’m looking for, the redhead search that I’ve just done today looks something like this:

age: between 27 and 32
distance: within 15 miles of my location
height: 4-6ft
body type: slender, athletic, curvy, average, full-figured (I’ll have to go into the reasoning behind the options I didn’t choose in a future post)
hair: auburn/red
exercise habits: 1-2 times a week, 3-4 times a week
smokes: no
drinks: socially
has kids: no
education: bachelors, associates, phd, or graduate degree

Every other option is essentially unimportant to me and even these options (for the most part) don’t entirely limit your search. For instance, I’ve come across a few smokers using this search before and honestly, I can deal with it if it’s the right person.

This particular search brings up 60 women for me. Now I’m not sure whether it’s just me or whether it’s the nature of internet dating, but maybe 10% of these people will get a second glance from me. If I had to make a guess I would say that psychologically, given a page full of potentially datable faces, makes it much easier for people to pick and choose based soley on looks. Granted when I search I make sure I see a blurb from their profiles at the same time, but at first glance, the picture speaks more. This may be because I’m a visual thinker, or it’s just a side effect of listing people in this way. All I know is that when someone takes a chance and messages me before I first message them, I’m more likely to give them a chance based on what they say as opposed to what they look like, this being both a situtation where I’m not being presented with a page of options and also one where interest has also been implied by the other party.

Now here’s where it gets weird for me. As I mentioned before, I have 6 profiles tabbed in my browser right now and if history is any indicator, I’ll likely save their profile names and look them up later. For whatever reason I can’t be bothered to make any action after finding potentially suitable profiles and I think it’s because in my backwards, intellectual, socially retarded mind any one of these people could be the last person I ever date. One of these women could be “the one” and believing as I do that there could be literally hundreds of potential “ones” out there for me, I want to make sure I pick the best possible one I can. And this is only the first of many trials I personally face with internet dating. I don’t make any excuses for it, I bring it on myself, but that’s just the way it is and I’m virtually helpless against it.

Now obviously once I begin reading these profiles I’m going to find things about them that may narrow down this selection of 6 some more. For instance, something that has become a huge turn off to me lately is people who make a point of mentioning how much they both love traveling abroad and the numerous places they’ve been. As far as I’m concered, there are two types of people in the world: idealists and non-idealists. Non-idealists have no problem with studying through college in order to procure themselves a job in a lucrative field after they graduate and these people frequently end up with more money than anyone in their 20’s should ever have and can afford to do things like travelling, learning foreign languages, and enjoying life. Idealists on the other hand go to art school or study 18th century British poetry and spend their 20’s working the kind of shitty jobs the non-idealists have managed to avoid just to make ends meet, while working desperately towards some idealized job that they may never obtain. Some people also start off as idealists, then when faced with the option of being poor for a decade, immediately change their tune. The DC area is full of idealists, people who took that one of the thousands of “consultant” positions available in the city, or that entry-level position at the law firm, ad agency, etc. These people have time to travel and tend to expect the same of others. I went to Art School, changed my major from Illustration to Film Making and spent the better part of my 20’s chasing my dream of working in video game development. I haven’t had what most would consider to be disposable income outside of the last 2 years so no, I haven’t travelled much  re: at all, outside of the country at least.

Unbridled enthusiasm for camping is another thing that gets to me, speaking mostly as someone who, while not opposed to the outdoors, has no idea to sleep in it and shit in the woods for a weekend. There are other detractors as well, but it’s not all negative, I look for attractive things as well. I’ve gone from being very picky to more forgiving in my dating taste over the last few years to the point where I have three criteria that must be met in order for someone to be “perfect” for me. She must like movies and not just the summer blockbusters, but well-made, less publicized stuff as well. She must like music, but not just the radio top 40, ideally something I’ve never heard of and that rocks. She must be smarter than me, or at least as smart; I like smart, capable women, who can match wits with me. If anyone meets these three requirements then I’m going to look for some way to get in touch with them and as of yet, I haven’t even looked at the 6 contenders in the tabs above this text block so I have no idea what’s in store for me. Things being what they are however and in observance of the fact that I have a phone call to make and dinner to prepare, the answer to that question will have to wait until later.

You’d Think It Would Get Easier

Everything I know about relationships I learned in college. When one considers the fact that college is nothing like real life and that the burdens of time and distance that seem to plague my adult attempts at relationships were virtually non-existent in my college relationship experiences, then it is safe to assume that I know nothing about relationships, let alone dating.

In college things were easy, compartively. The few relationships I had were with people I saw several times a week either in classes or passing. Keeping in contact was simple a matter of attending a mid day film class or having lunch in the cafeteria. It was easy to feign a casual attitude about it all as there was very little upkeep required to maintain your presence before someone. Dating was a much less formal affair and consisted mostly of hanging out as opposed to going out. Once a relationshop was actually established, the question of your place or mine was rarely more than a few blocks difference and for lack of money or cable television if you weren’t heading out somewhere, you were probably staying in and having sex.

I find my adult dating life to be a great deal more difficult as now my dating domain has expanded to encompass a 20 mile radius (usually the second smallest search parameter on dating sites after 5 or 10) and in doing so has taken a lot of the convenience and casualness out of it. If you’re going on a date, you both know it, because you’re driving 20 minutes to get there or taking the metro in from the suburbs. You’ll never casually meet out in the world because your worlds are separated by distance. Graned, this distance isn’t insurmountable, but it makes nearly all contact seem deliberate and the last thing women my age seem to want is a guy who’s deliberately interested. Don’t fail to keep in contact though, because she’ll lose interest in a heartbeat.

When one has managed to get beyond the rigors of dating in the real world (a process that can take weeks if not months to consummate as opposed to college’s days or hours), then the logistics of the relationship begin. Having only really dealt with this for the long term in one relationship thus far, but having knowledge of what every possible failed relationship may have been since, I can say that one better be prepared to travel.

To be quite honest, I’m not even sure what a relationship looks like under my circumstances anymore. The last legthy relationship I had was with someone who was obsessed with  me. I could have ignored her half the time and she would still want me around … and I drove 40 minutes each way for that. I can only imagine what a relationship would be like with someone who doesn’t want to develop a co-dependence with me. The one shorter relationship I had after moving to the DC area, worked only because the distance between us was small. Had we lived further away I doubt we would have tolerated each other as long as we did. It’s not that I can’t see how people do it, I’m willing to do it. It’s more a matter of my having to find someone willing to add these variables into the equation.

Yes, the logistics of dating are complex when one does not either work or study with the person they are dating, but people make it work. As the eternal pessimist about this subject however I wonder if anyone would be willing to endure these logistics for me. I suppose communication is key and maybe I should just learn to appreciate the telephone again. There was a time not long ago when I had virtually no problem with it … that is until I dated several people for whom Alexander Graham Bell’s crowning acheivement was practically demonized. Now I’m unsure about phones. It’s a rough medium to work in and I much prefer face to face, but thus is the post college dilemma.  Not everyone communicates exclusively though AIM.

In the end, all this thought on the trials of dating in the modern world leave me exhausted and I wouldn’t even be giving it any thought except that I find myself in a situation that has become all too familiar to me over the last 2 years and I’d really like for it to work out just this once. I can’t help but find it a bit depressing though, because as I visualize my triumph I realize that it is only the beginning of another trial wherein for all the reasons above. It’s all a balancing act of life, time, and expectations and I just hope I’m better at it than I think I am.

Fancy meeting you here

I find it necessary at the moment to link to a previous post from back in November of 2007. Not only is this the 2nd most viewed post on my blog, but also one that happens to be particularly poignant right now, as I find myself once again in a similar dating situation along with the similar hopes and fears that I always drag along with me.

• Novemeber 24, 2007 – Getting Ahead of Myself

The relationship that came after the writing of the linked post didn’t last very long in a romantic sense, so what are the chances my current situation will bear long lasting fruit? Better? Worse? The answer to that is of course a shrug, but we’ll see if I’ve learned anything in the last year and a half. I’d like to think I have and after last year’s string of non-starters, I’d like to meet someone who is willing and who I am willing to see more than twice in a romantic manner.

If history has taught me anything it’s that you can’t win them all and even if you could, you’re not supposed to. Playing the game is the important part. Learn to enjoy that and you always win.

Bold

I flirt a good game, but when it comes time to actually pull the trigger, I’m completely ineffective. Well not completely, but more often than not. I’m quite simply outside of my comfort zone when it comes to making bold moves with women, which is not to say that I haven’t, but it’s not where my mind goes right away. The situation I found myself in tonight was a perfect example of doing everything right, up till the need for a bold move. Granted, the results of any bold move in this particular instance would have ultimately resulted in awkward circumstances later on, but it still serves to illustrate a point.

I guess this is something I’ve been more or less aware of for some time and at the very least, having it all brought into such stark relief is worth something. Truth be told, I never dated much until I was an adult and even then, never so much as I have in the last couple of years. I’ve always fallen into relationships from well within my comfort zone before, now I find myself needing to be bold and it’s not something I’m well practiced at. Most people figure this stuff out before now, but I’ve never been most people. Still, knowing one’s shortcomings is the first step to overcoming them. It’s not something I’m incapable of, it’s just something I’m not used to and when it comes down to it, I just need to aware of when the bold moves are needed and stop second guessing myself. It doesn’t matter how old you are, there’s always something new to learn.

It’s Science

For reasons unknown, I’m throwing myself back into the internet dating scene. Rather than glance at a large number of profile thumbnails briefly and then pass based on my first picky, gut reaction, I’ve decided that maybe narrowing my search might allow me to be more discerning and give more people a chance. I’m starting with just the redheads.

I know, it sounds like a horribly shallow thing to do, but the simple fact is that I’m more often than not attracted to redheads so I might as well narrow my initial search and see if I can’t find someone interesting. Well after weeding out people who I did not find attractive and people who’s interests were completely out of sync with mine (I’m talking about all the people who sound like they either spend 90% of their time camping or traveling the globe), I have about 20 people to give  a final once over and see if I can find anything in their profile that I can use to send them an interesting message.

Once again, this all sounds shallow and the complete opposite of romance, but when you’re as picky as I am about who you will potetially have a relationship with this is honestly the only way to get around the sheer frustration of being assaulted by profile after profile of people you have no interest in. I’m hoping this will lead me to be a bit more successful in my search.

Dating is my Kryptonite

Do you know why dating Amy was such a transcendant experience for me? Because it was easy. I kissed Amy on the first date and that’s not something I do often, or ever. With Amy there had been a really good email correspondence and then we enjoyed the date and then there was a moment. Actually, there was a moment before the moment. We were walking out of the movie theatre and I was almost going to part ways at the crosswalk because our cars were in different places, but I told her I’d walk her to her car. Then when we got to the car, we talked a bit and then there was a moment and I seized it. It was a quick kiss, a veritible peck, but a kiss nonetheless. Had I not done that, how would the rest have turned out? Doubtlessly I would have driven home cursing myself … or maybe not because it was just a first date, who knows?

I’m simply no good at this dating thing. In order for me to have enough interest in someone that I don’t pre-emptively call things off after 1 or 2 dates I have to allow myself to be “really” interested. It’s an on/off switch with me. Once the switch is set to on, I have certain expectations and when I don’t achieve such expectations I begin prophesizing doom for myself.

In my defense, there was virtually no way I could have kissed Katie tonight. There was no good moment, at least not the kind that I have any way of taking advantage of without being totally out of character and completely overdoing it. Still though, I feel like I screwed up. Maybe I didn’t screw up at all. In fact, I probably didn’t. Dating is so awkward for me though. Being that I only have an on/off switch, dating is very uncomfortable territory. I thrive in the relative security of relationships and the kiss is the first step on that road. The kiss makes me feel at ease, if only because it feels like progress.

This happens almost everytime I date someone though, even sometimes after I’ve kissed them. I’m perfectly normal during the date, but if I don’t meet some invisible set of criteria, then afterwards I fall apart. What kind of unknown issues do I have that is doing this to me? You’d think I’d be a pro at this by now.

If things don’t work out with Katie, I’m not dating anymore, I’m done. Granted, I’ve said that before and it didn’t last long, but at the very least I’m going to stop actively looking for people to date. I just too neurotic about this stuff. I either need someone to come along and save me (and not dump me 2 months later) or I need to find some other way to get my shit together, because this just isn’t working for me and I don’t know why.

Patience is Not a Virtue I Have

So yeah … turns out that I was indeed, just being absurdly paranoid. See previous post for the paranoia.

Just for the Record

Let me lay this all out in the open, as a sort of historical document in the very least. This could end up being nothing but my own hyperactive pessimism or it could be completely grounded in truth, time (which is running out) will tell.

So I’m on several internet dating sites and when I say several I mean 3. I don’t have a large circle of extended friends from which to draw potential dating posibilities from and I’m not the kind of person who strikes up conversations with random strangers. Internet dating is ideal for me. I currently have a OK Cupid account that I pay a small amount of attention to, a Match.com account that (while inactive) is still available for viewing, and a Chemistry.com account that I meant to cancel a couple months ago, but was a day late in doing so and instead renewed for 3 months.

I had already written Chemistry.com off as a complete waste of time and money after spending 3 months on the site, and only finding one person who seemed attractive and interesting enough to at least attempt to get to know, but that ultimately was not a good match. I suppose my real reason for wanting to leave Chemistry though is that the initial conversations on sites like that and eHarmony always feel so forced. The “guided communication” they have you go through is a slight ice breaker at best and then you’re left with the internet equivalent of an awkward silence while you fumble for something to say in an introductory email. It’s like being set up with someone’s friend. There’s all this expectation, but when it comes down to you’re face to face with a stranger you know very little about and your only common point of contact is that you’re both on a dating site and you’ve gone through the process to the point where you’re expected to try and click with someone.

At any rate, my Chemistry.com account renewed itself and I really didn’t care much about paying attention to it until about a week or so after I had put the brakes on a relationship attempt with someone I met on OK Cupid. It was another situation of just not having enough real chemistry and the whole thing went quite smoothly. For whatever reason I decided to take a look at Chemistry.com as I had been getting emails telling me that people were interested in me. Now this is something the site is supposed to ideally do fairly often and yet during my first several months of using the site I had never really generated that much interest. The past 4 or 5 weeks have been different for whatever reason and I get new interest every week at least. Anyway, I went on the site to check and as usual I saw several people that I really had no interest in. I’m extremely picky when it comes to online dating or dating in general, but there was one person who seemed to fit my basic criteria based on her profile: cute, good sense of humor, smart, positive, and classy. So I expressed interest in this person in the manner one does on such a site and we went through the “guided communication” process. Eventually we got to the awkward pause before the email and ultimately even that went well and after a few exchanged correspondeces we decided to get together at some point for a date.

The date itself end up being about a week and a half ago on Saturday, August 23rd. We met for brunch near capital hill and had a good conversation and a few laughs while we ate outside. Afterwards we went to the Smithsonian exhibit of the Muppets. Now I must digress here for a moment when I say that the most grueling aspect of dating for me (and many men) is coming up with something to do that is unique and fun. I felt that the Muppets exhibit was not on unique, but also playful enough to call out my quirky side and personalize the experience more. The date went well and afterwards we hugged, agreed to talk later and meet again, and parted ways. It was very much the ideal outcome for a good lunch date.

She sent me a message on Chemistry the next day thanking me not only for the brunch (which I insisted on paying for … not something I always do, but this time I did), but also for “coming up with such a great activity idea”. I sent her an email back saying that she should contact me at my regular email, because the Chemistry email has such a small window to write in and (thought I didn’t say this) because I find that asking someone to use your regular email in these circumstances is a way to further personalize the relationship. She wrote me at my normal email address last Tuesday saying that she was going to be busy with moving to her new apartment until at least “next wednesday” (that being today) and that we should plan to get together again after that at some point. I sent her an email back the next day (last wednesday) with my usual bit of casual “get to know me better” rambling about one thing or another and I haven’t heard anything since. I sent another email monday, just a short one to say “hi” and wish her well with the move and remind her that if she’s free I would be interested in getting together on the weekend. All things considered (“all things” being the fact that I usually over step my boundaries easily) it was a really harmless email and really one of those “oh by the way” kind of things. Of course the real reason I sent it was “just in case” my first email had gotten lost.

You see, I’m not used to emailing someone and having to wait very long to get a response. In this world of instant communication, 1 week to get a response is a lifetime. For someone like me who tends to get paranoid about these kinds of things, it’s even longer. So now I’m stuck wondering when or if I’m going to ever hear back from this person. In fact I was wonder this all weekend when not even a few days had passed yet. This of course is how I know I’m actually interested in someone, when I care enough to get neurotic over them. As is customary for me, my mind wanders in these situations. Since I’ve lived here these past 2 years and since I’ve been using internet dating I’ve only had one decent relationship that ended less than 2 months after it started when the other person decided that while she liked me, she didn’t see a long term relationship where I obviously did. That’s not all though. My first internet dating experience here ended when the other person told me that she realized she was still so attached to her ex-fiance that she decided she didn’t want to get involved with anyone else. The experience after that involved the other person deciding to get back together with an ex after she had driven down to North Carolina with him for a wedding, the weekend before we were supposed to have our first date. The one other relationship that did actually work out for a while eventually fizzled when it just simply turned out that the two of us really weren’t right for each other in the slightest. And then the experience after that (just before my briefly successful, yet aborted relationship) wound up with our making indefinite plans to get together again, after which she sent me a brief, playful email in the middle of the week, and then I never heard from her again. No reply to my emails at all.

I think that last experience is the one that truly makes me paranoid as it was a situation that reminds me of what’s going on right now and maybe if it hadn’t happened I would be more forgiving of the current situation, but that is unfortunately not the case. As it turned out in the instance (as I found out months later), the person I had been dating was what I like to call a “type A” dater, someone who likes to play all the angles at once and find the best one. I was one of at least two people she had been casually seeing at the time and she ended up with the other guy without even bothering to tell me. That being the case, I am of course assuming that something similar is happening in my current circumstance and while I have no evidence other than what (under the circumstances) may not actually be a long pause between emails, I still feel as if I’m going to get screwed over. I’m not even so concerned that she might no longer be interested as I am that I may never know. I don’t mind playing the game, but when I lose I want to know it and know why, I don’t want just a blank screen. I keep figuring that she’s either decided that she’s no longer interested or she’s found someone else … perhaps and ex, as seems to be the trend. And then of course it could just be that between work and moving, she hasn’t had the time.

So now I’m basically waiting to see what happens and I can’t stand waiting; I can’t stand not knowing what’s going on or being able to control the outcome of events that affect my life. And yet here I am and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s out in the open now, for the few souls who may happen across this blog and I  can only hope that giving voice to my fears will make them insubstantial, then again this could turn out to be a whole new excuse from a woman as to why she does not want to pursue a relationship with me. I’m apparently starting a collection of them.

A Constant Theme

A Psychiatrist would have a ball with me. How do I know when I like someone I’ve dated recently? I start thinking of ways that things aren’t going to end up working out. In fact I actually go looking for ways that things aren’t going to work out. And why do I do this? Because I’m secretly an optimist and when something good comes into my life, the more pragmatic side of me tries to protect me from my unbridled enthusiasm and the possibility of extreme let down if that optimism prooves to be misguided. I also have this superstitious belief that if I give credibility to my fears they won’t come true. So in keeping with tradition I’m currently worrying that the person I dated last week who is currently in the process of moving and probably has a million good reasons why my casual email reply to her reply to my reply about her reply to our date is not a high priority. But it could be other things, such as the resurfacing of an ex, a total loss of interest (and subsequent snubbing that usually ensues), or a realization that there’s someone else close to her that she’s secretly been in love with all this time and she’d rather be with him. Or it could be something else. And it’s likely none of these.

I’m very picky about who I date and who I like so when someone comes along that meets all or most of my requirements, you can’t really fault me for being paranoid.