Dating is my Kryptonite

Do you know why dating Amy was such a transcendant experience for me? Because it was easy. I kissed Amy on the first date and that’s not something I do often, or ever. With Amy there had been a really good email correspondence and then we enjoyed the date and then there was a moment. Actually, there was a moment before the moment. We were walking out of the movie theatre and I was almost going to part ways at the crosswalk because our cars were in different places, but I told her I’d walk her to her car. Then when we got to the car, we talked a bit and then there was a moment and I seized it. It was a quick kiss, a veritible peck, but a kiss nonetheless. Had I not done that, how would the rest have turned out? Doubtlessly I would have driven home cursing myself … or maybe not because it was just a first date, who knows?

I’m simply no good at this dating thing. In order for me to have enough interest in someone that I don’t pre-emptively call things off after 1 or 2 dates I have to allow myself to be “really” interested. It’s an on/off switch with me. Once the switch is set to on, I have certain expectations and when I don’t achieve such expectations I begin prophesizing doom for myself.

In my defense, there was virtually no way I could have kissed Katie tonight. There was no good moment, at least not the kind that I have any way of taking advantage of without being totally out of character and completely overdoing it. Still though, I feel like I screwed up. Maybe I didn’t screw up at all. In fact, I probably didn’t. Dating is so awkward for me though. Being that I only have an on/off switch, dating is very uncomfortable territory. I thrive in the relative security of relationships and the kiss is the first step on that road. The kiss makes me feel at ease, if only because it feels like progress.

This happens almost everytime I date someone though, even sometimes after I’ve kissed them. I’m perfectly normal during the date, but if I don’t meet some invisible set of criteria, then afterwards I fall apart. What kind of unknown issues do I have that is doing this to me? You’d think I’d be a pro at this by now.

If things don’t work out with Katie, I’m not dating anymore, I’m done. Granted, I’ve said that before and it didn’t last long, but at the very least I’m going to stop actively looking for people to date. I just too neurotic about this stuff. I either need someone to come along and save me (and not dump me 2 months later) or I need to find some other way to get my shit together, because this just isn’t working for me and I don’t know why.

Indie Chicks

I need to stop being attracted to cute indie chicks. Cute indie chicks are always either way too energetic for me or have tons of baggage. But they’re cute, hence the problem. On the internet dating sites I list Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind as one of my favorite movies, because it is. It’s also a great conversation starter, because I think something like 9 out 10 women I would consider dating also like this movie. I like the movie not only because of the excellent acting, direction, writing, and production, but also because I can extremely identify with the main character. I am that guy, the introvert indie guy who falls in love with any woman who pays attention to him. I’m never gonna be the one to suggest we do something exciting and adventurous, but I’ll come along for the ride.

The problem with my last indie chick realtionship was that she wanted someone who was going to show her a good time…actually she wanted someone who was going to do all the work period. Old-fashioned in a modern way. Maybe I’m just too comfortable doing nothing. Maybe I’m tired after making decisions for other people all day at work and don’t want to do it on my off time. Who knows. I’m just tired of being attracted to all the wrong women in hopes that some day I’ll find that one indie chick who wants someone as opposite from them as I can be.

Buried Treasure

My parents came to visit from Connecticut today. And since they’re cleaning out their old house – the house I grew up in – in order to eventually sell it, my Dad brought a ton of stuff from my old room. There must be 12 boxes at least. A quarter of them would seem to contain long-forgotten comics and magazines, but the rest are relics from the past, the buried treasures of my life a decade and more behind me.

I want to go through them all right now, to explore the past, but I know I would be up until the wee hours reliving a bygone era. There’s also some Star Wars thing on the History Channel right now, something I’ve seen before, but that nonetheless rekindles my desire to view the trilogy again. And meanwhile I’ve ventured onto Ok Cupid. I’m a retard when it comes to real world dating and I’m a retard with internet dating as well. I tend to wait for people to contact me, but I’m looking at profiles as if I’m going to contact them first myself. I think the problem I have with contacting people first is that it’s too much control. I want a certain measure of fate in my romantic encounters. If I just get to choose from a list, it sort of takes the adventure out of it. Then again, in my experience, the adventure tends to me whether or not I ever get to meet the person I’m talking to online, or whether they flake out on me without notice.

I’ve been thinking about Carrie at work as well. There is and obvious attraction between us, but I can’t shake the feeling that any relationship that could possibly develop would be doomed. I’m so friggin’ busy with work though that going out with someone who works at the same place I do does have a certain logic to it. I honestly don’t know what to do and I probably don’t have the time for any type of relationship, but I have this unstoppable compulsion to seek out relationships. Maybe I’m just trying to recapture the past. It’s been over 6 years since the end of my last decent relationship, the same time my last job in the game industry ended and my life went spiraling into a dismal abyss of despair. I think maybe that since I have a game industry job again I’m looking for that last piece of the puzzle, the decent relationship. Maybe I think if I can put my life together the same way it was before, just with different pieces, that maybe I can feel good about things again. I could just be trying to convince myself that I’m not clinically depressed however and have been for 6 years. I’m the kind of person who has to exhaust all possibilities before coming to any life-altering conclusions however.

But whatever, my apartment is the cleanest it’s been in months, I have some Cinnabon sticks in the kitchen, I’m off work until tuesday, and there is a veritable trove of treasures from my naive youth in my living room closet. That’s good enough for now.